Doofus Of The Day #114, #115 and #116

It’s been a bumper day for Doofi!

Doofus #114 is a collective award to the geniuses (genii?) at Ralph, a men’s magazine in Australia, for a promotional stunt that seems to have gone astray.

More than 130,000 inflatable breasts have been lost at sea en route to Australia.

Men’s magazine Ralph was planning to include the boobs as a free gift with its January issue.

The cargo is worth about $200,000, which is another blow for publisher ACP’s parent company PBL, which is already in $4.3 billion of debt.

A spokeswoman for Ralph said the container left docks in Beijing two weeks ago but turned up empty in Sydney this week.

The magazine has put out an alert to shipping authorities to see if they have the container, but if they don’t turn up in the next 48 hours it will be too late for the next issue, she said.

Ralph editor Santi Pintado urged anyone who has any information to contact the magazine.

‘Unless Somali pirates have stolen them its difficult to explain where they are,’ Pintado said.

‘If anyone finds any washed up on a beach, please let us know.’

I have news for thee, Santi, old boy. I think Somali pirates would want a more lucrative cargo than fake boobs! What I want to know is, what will be the reaction of other mariners when they come across thousands upon thousands of floating boobs, miles from land? Will they suspect a mermaid mammary massacre?

Doofus #115 is Janos Jakab of Rumania.

There’s drug mules… and then there’s drug mules.

A Romanian smuggler appeared to be taking the term literally with this getaway vehicle.

Janos Jakab was nabbed trying to outrun border police with £300,000 loaded on to this horse and cart.

Police challenged Jakab as he crossed Romania’s northern border with the Ukraine carrying nearly 100,000 packets of cigarettes and tobacco.

After what was described as ‘a short chase’, police overtook Jakab, arresting him and confiscating the cart.

A spokesman for the local border police said: ‘In general smugglers are becoming more and more sophisticated in their methods of getting contraband across borders.

‘But this case proved the exception to the rule.

‘We have a fleet of high-powered vehicles that can chase down the fastest cars,’ he added.

‘Outrunning our officers was never a possibility – even if he had a thoroughbred racehorse strapped to his cart.’

I guess so! Maybe he thought that no policeman in his right mind would suspect a smuggler of using so old-fashioned a conveyance. Be that as it may, he’s well and truly nicked.

Doofus #116’s crime also involved a horse, although in a less salubrious manner.

To be convicted of performing sex acts on a horse once may be considered misfortune. Being convicted of it twice – with the same horse – looks a lot like carelessness.

But that’s what just happened to 46-year-old Leeroy Le Gallais, who was jailed for three years yesterday after admitting molesting the horse in a stable in Guernsey.

Le Gallais was already on probation after being convicted of performing sex acts with the horse, named Calico, last year. On that occasion, he had been caught after he left his underwear in the stable.

This time round, Le Gallais told the court: ‘I had a few beers, I went to the stable and interfered with the horse.’

His crime was found out after Calico’s owner noticed that a blanket and a mounting stool in the stable had been moved, and the horse was showing signs of stress. Police suspected Le Gallais, who confessed.

Er . . . a rapscallion with a stallion, perhaps? Or could he be accused of Muffin’ the Mule?

Peter