One of my favorite Web satirists, Iowahawk, has just celebrated five years of snark, sarcasm and biting wit. His (not nearly frequent enough for my tastes) posts have skewered politicians, public figures and sacred cows with riotous results.
He’s celebrating by offering himself as a Senate candidate for Illinois, to fill the seat of President-elect Obama. He claims to have much to offer:
Qualifications
While I may have never worked in freelance undercover airport security or in uniformed civic organizations like some U.S. Senators, I have a track record far superior to many Senate hopefuls. For example, consider my experience compared to Caroline Kennedy: I have three alcoholic uncles who have escaped sinking Oldsmobiles. Hell, I was driving twice.
Integrity
Recent “pay-to-play” scandals have shaken America’s confidence in its legislative institutions, and I am committed to restoring the public trust. Given my current financial situation, you can be assured that I will shell out no more that $1200 for my Senate seat, $1500 tops. Okay, I’ll throw in the front clip from a ’84 Camaro, but that’s it.
Bipartisanship
Restoring America’s greatness will take a united bipartisan effort between Republicans and Democrats. As Senator, I will reach across the aisle and/or under the table to all my colleagues, regardless of party, to hammer out some killer secret greatness-restoring deals. I will also work together with Senate majority and minority leaders to make sure nobody gets an unfair cut of all that American greatness we will be restoring.
You may be asking yourself, “why would Dave lower himself to run for the Senate after he was a hair breadth from the presidency?” Sure, the perks don’t match the White House, but membership in the World’s Greatest Deliberative Body is nothing to sneeze at. The two hundred grand salary might be half of what I’d be pulling in at the Oval Office, but it’s a decent raise over the workman’s comp I’m collecting from Domino’s. And if I’m willing to lower my expectations, shouldn’t you?
Thanks for the good times, Dave, and may you have many more years of snark!
Peter