Our two Doofi today are halfway around the world from one another, but they have something in common. They tried to rob an automated teller machine. As you might imagine, their efforts were crowned with something less than success.
Doofus #109 is a collective award to a group of four wannabe thieves in Sydney, Australia. They apparently hadn’t learned that when blowing up an ATM, it’s a good idea to park one’s getaway car at a safe distance from the explosion.
Masked men have blown up three ATMs across Sydney early this morning, exploding machines in Clovelly, Chester Hill and Guildford, police said.
The thieves who attacked the Clovelly ATM also reportedly stole a car from a nearby street after their Audi getaway car was damaged by the gas-fuelled blast, leaving them stranded.
The Bendigo Bank on Clovelly Road at Clovelly in the city’s east was the first ATM to be hit.
About 1.45 am four men exploded the street-front ATM at the intersection of Mount Street using gas cylinders, sending glass and debris flying as far as the other side of the road.
The ATM and front of the bank were destroyed.
In the explosion, the thieves’ dark grey Audi getaway car parked out the front of the bank was also damaged, forcing them to abandon it, police said.
A nearby resident, who did not want to be named, said two girls who witnessed the attempted robbery said they saw two masked men run down Fern Street towards Marcel Avenue and the other two men run east down Clovelly Road.
He said he later heard police saying a car had been stolen by two men near Fern Street and they had got away.
A police spokeswoman could not confirm reports the car was stolen in a carjacking.
Police established a perimeter around the bank and told nearby neighbours to evacuate their homes until the gas cylinders in the boot of the car are deemed safe.
A witness living across the road from the Clovelly bank said he was woken up when he heard a “loud bang” and the sound of glass breaking and went to investigate.
“I was lying in bed and next minute, boom. Me and my missus were naked, so we had to put some clothes on and I said hurry up, hurry up,” he said.
“Then I heard this, ‘lets get out of here’ and I heard them [the masked men] run away. When I finally got outside there was all this smoke and everything and I saw the gas in the back of the car and some gas lines,” he said.
The resident said his wife saw the Audi used in the attempted robbery park out the front of the bank at 6pm last night.
“My wife was going to TAFE and she said she saw a guy park there and walk around it. I reckon that’s right, you can hardly ever get a park there.”
Yep. And I bet the thieves are wishing they hadn’t done so!
Doofus #110 is from Leavenworth, Kansas. He didn’t use explosives or gas, but ended up in rather worse shape than his Australian counterparts.
Chalk this up in the “dumb criminal” files:
About 2 a.m. Sunday, an alleged thief pried an ATM loose from a Leavenworth credit union by using a stolen skid loader. Then — in an alleged effort to bust open the boosted ATM — the 49-year-old Leavenworth man decided to use the skid loader to drop the machine down a 50-foot wooded embankment.
But the plan didn’t go quite as expected.
“It makes it easier when you let go of it. That way you don’t go with it,” said Leavenworth Police Chief Patrick Kitchens.
Instead, the suspect took a wild ride down the embankment from the skid loader cage. The man, skid loader and ATM tumbled downhill through the woods and landed near two semi-trailers.
When the ordeal ended, police found the suspect trapped inside the battered machine.
“Sometimes St. Michael, the patron saint of law enforcement officers, is looking out for us,” Kitchens said.
The chief and others were shocked that the suspect survived the crash.
“It is stunning that he is still alive. We are talking about a 50-feet embankment — basically straight down. He has the ATM, which basically weighs 3,000 pounds,” Kitchens said.
The ATM was stolen from the Frontier Credit Union in the 500 block of South Fourth Street in Leavenworth. The case could make its way into federal court because that the machine was stolen from a financial institution.
The suspect was transported to an area hospital for his injuries, which were not considered life-threatening.
Ah, well, never mind, dear nameless suspect. You’ll have plenty of time to recover behind bars, while improving your plans for use in the (very) distant future. I suggest leaving skid loaders and embankments out of consideration!
Peter