Today’s winner comes to us courtesy of Crass-Pollination: An ER Blog.
Me [looking at three generations smooshed into a room]: Hello everyone! What seems to be the trouble this evening?
Kelly Bundy: Well, we went over to my mom’s house to drop off the kids so we could go to the club, but turns out Mama was having trouble breathing, so we brought her here.
Reasonable enough. After a polite request, Kelly Bundy, in her tight dress and stripper heels, and some guy, dressed in a rather nice shirt and pants to meet the dress code at the club who was probably some shlump that installed DirectTV part-time in real life, drug the three cranky kids out to the lobby to wait while Grandma was worked up.
Well, lo and behold, it turns out that Grandma had a pretty bad pneumonia. The group is brought in and the doctor announces the diagnosis and intention to admit to everyone.
While I was tidying up some charting and shuffling some paperwork in anticipation of giving report, the tech comes up and explains that Kelly Bundy’s three young kids were in the room with Grandma, with Kelly and Beau nowhere to be found. The tech had found the three-year-old wandering around in the hallway.
I had security look around to see if they were outside smoking. Nope. The kids said their parents had left a few minutes ago.
Okay, what the Hell?
So I call Kelly Bundy’s cell phone, “Hello, this is K from Crayzee Central Hospital. Your kids are still here, and need to be picked up. Your mom is admitted to the hospital and can’t watch the kids.”
Kelly Bundy: Well, we were on the guest list at Beach Club, and my mom had said she’d watch the kids so we could go tonight.
Me: Okay, but your mom is very ill and staying in a hospital. She can’t watch your kids.
Kelly Bundy: Well, she said she’d still watch them, so we went on to the club like we’d planned in the first place. She watches them every weekend. It’s my birthday, and I have a bunch of people waiting for me.
Me: If you don’t come pick up your kids now or find someone to pick them up, they’ll be going to emergency foster care, and I’ll let the social workers know that you abandoned them at the hospital with an ill relative in favor of clubbing. So, let me ask again. What is your plan for your kids?
Kelly Bundy: I don’t know. I thought they’d be able to stay in the hospital. You mean I have to leave and come get them? My friends are all at Beach Club and it’s my birthday!
As my father would have put it, “Some people are so dumb, they should be prevented from procreating!” I’d add to that, “Some people are so self-centered, they’re circling their own drain!”