Gigglesnort! – CPR edition

There’s a very funny thread on Reddit concerning a CPR student who claimed his instructor had a heart attack right in front of the class.  WARNING:  it contains a lot of profanity, including repeated F-bombs.

After a few minutes of nervous giggling and coy, frightened gazes between members of the group, many of whom had barely stepped a foot outside their door or interacted with other human beings in person for two years, the CPR instructor strode in, nursing her arm and carrying a dummy. I beamed at her, crinkling my eyes as best as I could to convey I was friendly and eager to learn, sitting up in my chair like a good boy.

“Sorry, I’m late, folx, just had my boos–” she began, before collapsing onto the mat, the test dummy sliding out of her arms and clattering to the floor.

The room descended into anarchy. Not one of us knew what to do. The woman with six face-shields on and the crazed glint in her eyes started rocking back and forth on her chair, cradling her legs and sobbing. The guy beside me bravely bolted to the door, leaving behind a slug trail of excrement and urine in his wake. I floundered over to the CPR lady, tripping over the CPR dummy in the process and skinning my knee on the hard-wood floor of the community centre. “****!!!” I howled, grasping my knee whilst stinging tears stained my cheeks and soaked my masks.

I army-crawled over to the teacher, breathlessly shouting for help and rolling out of the way of my fellow classmates, who were frantically running around in a confused panic. I finally got to within six feet of the CPR expert, mindful of the invisible forcefield surrounding her. “Do I have your consent to break your social distance bubble!??!” I yelled across at her, feebly pounding the gym mat with my little gloved fists. “IS THIS PART OF THE TEST!?!?!”

She’s still not moving and the rest of the class have either fled or are cowering in separate corners of the hall. HELP ME, REDDIT, YOU’RE MY ONLY HOPE.

There’s more at the link.

The best part isn’t the initial post, but the responses from Redditors, who let themselves go with a vengeance.  For example:

• “At this point the best thing you can do is cover her body with Ukrainian flag.”
• “May I suggest looking up Tic-Tok twerking nurses? It’s been conclusively proven by scientific experts who have made great achievements in the field of excellence that precision twerking has many therapeutic effects.”
• “Climate change has given her a heart attack. Try lowering the room temperature to stimulate the effect of everyone in the world driving a Tesla.”

I think there were more responses yesterday than those I saw this morning when I went back to the thread to copy some of it here.  I suspect some of the more… awkward… ones may have been “edited out”.  Even so, those that are left are funny.  If you’re on Reddit, you might want to add a contribution or two.

Peter