The celebrated McSweeney’s Internet Tendency has turned its satirical attention to the menu at Olive Garden, a chain of Italian-style restaurants in the USA, and re-written it in the style of horror doyen H. P. Lovecraft. Here are a couple of
Tendrils crusted in grit assail my palate. Begotten of the sea, yet containing the essence of a carnival. Fried and without end. At once I feel refined and base, but melancholy grips me when I spy the dressings within which this dismembered cephalopod is to dip. A mixture resembling coagulated plasma, and the other… spicy milk? A crème, surprisingly smooth but savory. This contradictory breach of decorum and smattering of flavors inspires terror within my heart of hearts. Hope absconds from this place.
. . .
The Tour of Italy
A terse presentation of memories, three to be precise. A chicken, but unclucking. A plate of worms, wriggling in saucy terror. And then, horror unbounded, a cube of entombed layers coated in a crimson, comestible smear. Dreams fleeting and reborn, of monoliths—Pisa—floating mid-air and dripping gruel. A gurgling voice emerged from the deep, a chaos that did not speak a mortal tongue, a promise emitted: “Unlimahtated brrrrurdstihks!”
There’s more at the link. Definitely giggle-worthy!
Recently, a newer member of our North Texas Writers, Shooters and Pilots Association told us that her only exposure to Italian food had been at Olive Garden franchises. Those of us who know more about Italian food immediately assured her that she didn’t know it at all, and took her off to a local, authentically Italian restaurant to introduce her to the real thing. It only took her a couple of mouthfuls to understand exactly what we meant!
(If any of you should visit Luigi’s while passing through Wichita Falls, the food is excellent. If you’re particularly hungry, try their 24″ pizza – but be warned, it’s immense! I think they keep it on their menu as a challenge for the young trainees at Sheppard Air Force Base up the road. Leave room for their tiramisu for dessert.)