More awesome product reviews

Yesterday I posted about a product available from Amazon, 3M Nuclear Grade Tape, and quoted some of the very funny reviews posted by potential shoppers. In a comment to that post, fellow blogger Keads mentioned another product available from Amazon: Denon AKDL1 Dedicated Link Cable.

It’s described as follows:

Get the purest digital audio you’ve ever experienced from multi-channel DVD and CD playback through your Denon home theater receiver with the AK-DL1 dedicated cable. Made of high-purity copper wire, it’s designed to thoroughly eliminate adverse effects from vibration and helps stabilize the digital transmission from occurrences of jitter and ripple. A tin-bearing copper alloy is used for the cable’s shield while the insulation is made of a fluoropolymer material with superior heat resistance, weather resistance, and anti-aging properties. The connector features a rounded plug lever to prevent bending or breaking and direction marks to indicate correct direction for connecting cable.

Reviews of that product are just as funny as those of the nuclear tape! Here’s a selection.

This connection isn’t sound. If my calculations are correct, it should be sometime around 2007 for whomever is reading this. DO NOT USE THESE CABLES. Something… happens with them. Something came through, something from somewhere else. We were overrun in days, not many of us are left. WE LIVE UNDERGROUND! ONLY YOU CAN STOP IT NOW. SAVE US. DO NOT USE THESE CABLES.

I don’t have much time. This connection isn’t sound. If my calculations are correct, it should be–

I knew my day was going to improve when the truck pulled up at my home with this cable deep within. No ordinary truck, this one was Holy White, and the gold Delivery logo sparkled like a thousand suns reflected through shards of the purest ice formed with unadulterated water collected at the beginning of the universe. The driver, clad in a robe colored the softest of white, floated towards me on the cool fog of a hundred fire extinguishers. He smiled benevolently, like a father looking down upon his only child, and handed me a package wrapped in gold beaten thin to the point where you could see through it. I didn’t have to sign, because the driver could see within my heart, and knew that I was pure. Upon opening the package, an angelic choir started to sing, and reached a crescendo as I laid this cable on my stereo system. Instantly, my antiquated equipment transformed into components made from the clearest diamond-semiconductor. The cable knew where to go, and hooked itself into the correct ports without help from me – all the while, the choir sang praises to the almighty digital god. With trepidation, I pushed “play,” and was instantly enveloped in a sound that echoed the creation of all matter, a sound that vibrated every cell in my body to perfection. I was instantly taken to the next plane, where I saw the all-father. I knew with my entire soul, that all was good in the world.

But then I realized the cable was blue, so I only gave it one star. I hate blue.

A caution to people buying these: if you do not follow the “directional markings” on the cables, your music will play backwards.

I was slightly disappointed to find that the copper was not properly treated. Firstly, it was not wound in a gradually tightening reverse geometric arrangement in the shape of a chrysanthemum’s petal. Secondly, the copper was not saturated in breast milk. The lack of breast milk caused the sound transmitted to be harsh and brittle. Tuscan Whole Milk is an acceptable alternative to breast milk, but Denon failed to include that as well. Lastly, the normal insulation used in high quality cables is normally Condor foreskins that are stretched out and stitched together using pure carbon fiber. The foreskins create a semi-permeable membrane that allows the white noise produced by the Earth’s core and the rotation of the Sun to diffuse out of the cable, but not in. It is imperative that the foreskin membrane is bombarded by an alternating succession of Cadmium 2+ ions followed by isotopes of Strontium in a repeating fashion for 17 hours. If there is any deviation from this pattern, the foreskins are ruined and the cable is worthless. Judging by the sound quality of the AKDL1, the insulation is made using the foreskin of a lesser bird than the condor and is not subjected to the atom bombardment.

In a pinch, I used this cable to channel the spirits of some deceased musicians but I don’t recommend that because they’re usually all tripped out on something and they just want to sit and stare at blacklight posters. And if you’re able to summon Jimi Hendrix with this cable, whatever you do, DON’T mention Sears. It’s a very sore subject.

There are many more reviews at the link. Very funny indeed! Thanks for the link, Keads.

Peter