Sex rears its ugly head

I don’t know why these things happen in multiples, but over the past couple of days there have been a rash of wacky stories about sex and the complications it can cause. They’re from all over the world, and all of them are weird. I’m tempted to say that sex is the undertone that links them all, except that in these cases it’s not the undertone at all – it’s the whole damn symphony orchestra!

First, from Austria comes the news of a woman who set the usual builders-wolf-whistling-at-girls cliché on its ear.

Burly builders fled when a naked blonde rushed at them on a construction site in the Austrian capital Vienna shouting: “Who wants me?”

The hard-hat hunks ran for cover when the woman turned the tables on them on the building site beside the city’s main railway station.

“We like to chat up girls as they walk past – it’s a tradition,” said one builder.

“But this woman was too much to handle and we just ran and hid until the police got here. No-one liked to think what would happen if she caught one of us,” he added.

I must admit, the thought of builders running in panic from a naked woman is funny as hell!

The next episode is reported from Sweden.

A German trucker suspected of driving under the influence of drugs crashed his vehicle near Borås in western Sweden on Tuesday. He subsequently admitted to masturbating at the time of the accident.

The trucker, apparently unable to reach a satisfactory climax, then proceeded to continue to pleasure himself while in the midst of a police interrogation, according to the local Borås Tidning newspaper.

“He was masturbating while the police interrogated him,” police prosecutor Åsa Askenbäck told the newspaper.

“He has admitted that he was not paying full attention at the time of the accident. He was playing with himself instead of focusing on the road.”

. . .

The man remained in the vehicle with his hands apparently still clasped around his own gear stick and was subsequently arrested for reckless driving and driving while under the influence of drugs.

The suspicions against the man have now been extended to sexual molestation.

The German trucker, who is in his thirties, has admitted all of the charges directed against him.

I don’t know why they’re concentrating on his ‘gearstick’. Clearly, it’s his ‘clutch’ that was the problem!

The third incident happened on the other side of the globe, in Papua New Guinea.

Police in Papua New Guinea are hunting the leader of a cult who promised villagers a bumper banana harvest if they had sex in public.

The man and his followers fled naked into the wilderness when police tried to arrest them at the weekend, the Post Courier newspaper reported.

It said the villagers in Morobe province had been promised their banana harvest would increase 10-fold every time they had sex in public.

It said the cult leader was wanted for a range of alleged offences over the past four months, including threatening people and illegal sexual activity.

Inspector Adam Busil said officers had surrounded the man’s hut but he refused to come out. The suspect then made a dash for freedom with about seven naked followers.

“He used his two wives as a human shield to avoid being shot at by the policemen,” he said. “They were called on to surrender but they refused.”

Hmm. Somehow I don’t think the Biblical injunction to ‘be fruitful and multiply’ was written with the banana harvest in mind!

(The story reminds me of a South African financial institution, the Natal Building Society, now absorbed into the Nedbank Group in that country. For decades their logo and advertising campaigns were built around a cartoon of a man carrying a gleaming golden banana – a fruit grown in the Natal province of South Africa, where the Society was based. Their slogan was: “See the man with the Golden Banana. He does . . . more for you!” The double entendre was not lost on laughing South African listeners, of course.)

Finally, just to prove that the USA is not immune to this sort of weirdness, we have a tale of sorrow from – where else? – Los Angeles in California.

In what firefighters described as a once-in-a-lifetime call, officials with the Costa Mesa Fire Department’s Urban Search and Rescue squad were summoned early Tuesday morning to Hoag Memorial Hospital Presbyterian in Newport Beach to save another man’s penis from perishing.

The man, whom authorities declined to identify, other than saying that he was in his 50s, had apparently put his penis through the hole of a steel, ring-shaped dumbbell weight fastener, two or three days earlier.

The device got stuck, and he couldn’t remove it. The penis had blackened and swollen to five times its normal size, authorities said. In order to remove the ring, firefighters had to use a saw to cut through it.

“They said his comment was, ‘This will make me the chief of my tribe,’” said Costa Mesa Battalion Chief Scott Broussard, who like others in the department, heard about the incident the next morning.

. . .

Broussard added that doctors at Hoag had told the man, who refused immediate treatment, that if he waited any longer to remove the fastener, the flesh in his penis would die.

“He was kind of a wingnut,” Broussard said.

Staff kept him in the hospital under a psychiatric hold and called the Fire Department to come remove the item because they didn’t have the tools to do it, Broussard said. Medical personnel tied down the man to a table and sedated him for the emergency, he said.

Firefighters had to don full surgery garb, including masks and scrubs.

The men constructed a watering system to keep the sparks from the sawing — which were flying half-way across the room — from injuring the patient as they cut through the inch-thick ring around his penis.

The delicate procedure took two hours.

“They also slid a little piece of metal between the collar and his thing, so if it slipped past it wouldn’t hit his thing,” Broussard said.

Question: if a penis ring (even an improvised one) would make him the ‘chief of his tribe’, could it be called the Ring of the Lords?

Peter