Doofus Of The Day #872

Today’s Doofus couple come to us courtesy of Dr. Grumpy.

I’m in line at the meat & seafood counter at Local Grocery, waiting to buy something other than tomatoes. Ahead of me is a couple in their late-20’s, who are fascinated with the live lobster tank next to the counter.

Counter Guy in his white apron wanders over.

Counter Guy: “Hi, can I help you?”

Mr. Clueless: “Um, we have some questions about the lobsters.”

Counter Guy: “Sure. What’s up?”

Mrs. Clueless: “How long do they live?”

Counter Guy: “Well, until you’re ready to…”

Mr. Clueless: “What do you feed them?”

Counter Guy: “Uh, not sure. The night shift handles that.”

Mrs. Clueless: “Can you keep them in a regular tank? We have Tetras already, is that okay?”

Counter Guy: “Um… Not sure. Most people don’t keep them alive…”


Mr. & Mrs. Clueless are staring at Counter Guy like he’s balancing a Buick on his winkie.

Mr. Clueless: “Why… would you keep a dead pet?”*

Counter Guy: “They’re to eat… not for pets.”


After 10 seconds or so of silence Mr. & Mrs. Clueless walk away.

Counter Guy: “Uh…”

Dr. Grumpy: “Yeah… I know… I’d like a 1/2 pound of roast beef and a large container of cole slaw.”



  1. I'm rolling my eyes because I worked in a supermarket perishables section for four years. I wish I could say customers like Mr. & Mrs. Clueless were extremely rare occurrences, but then I'd be lying.

  2. My first wife and I were in a Kroger and happened by the lobster tank. She knew I liked seafood. She oohed and ahhed and cooed over the lobsters and said, "How can you eat something as cute as that."

    Without missing a beat, I said, "With lots of lemon and drawn butter."

    That may have had something to do with the divorce.

  3. @Bob:


    I mean… lobster, yes? Powerful hands that can snap your fingers like a twig. Reddish hard carapace… I'll grant you "impressive" but… cute!?

    Is that a urban US thing or has it spread?

    Take care.

  4. When I was in college, one or two of the women in the biology program used to give me a hard time about paying for school by being a lobsterman. Pre-PETA, this is, but the same arguments. Occasionally I'd get asked if I ever 'let them go, like how the President pardons a turkey on Thanksgiving."

    Predictable response, of course. Of course I let some go. Right into the pot of water on the stove.

  5. If you could keep a lobster in a tank of tetras, that thing would slaughter them in short order. In fact, it might be fun to watch. Years ago, I made the mistake of putting a goldfish and a craw fish in the same tank, thinking that the grounded crustacean wouldn't be able to reach the free swimming fish to molest it. Boy, was I wrong. That poor goldfish didn't stand a chance.

  6. Too bad they weren't cooking fresh crab as well. I have witnessed fresh crab being tossed into the boiling pots along Fisherman's Warf in S.F. It is common for steam escaping from inside the shell to make a brief EEEeeee….sound. The reaction of Mr. and Mrs. Clueless to the "death scream" is priceless.

  7. I'd love to see them in a good Chinese seafood restaurant.

    Where it's quick possible to walk up to the tanks and say "I want *that* one" as you order most items.

  8. True story. One night at Kroger in Houston, couple of college geniuses bought all the lobsters they had. Stated proudly they were going directly to braes bayou to turn them loose. I laughed all the way home. Boiling death would have been quicker than a polluted fresh water death.

  9. @shugyosha

    This is a woman who, at age 30, was still making the L shape with her hand to figure her right from her left.

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