The ecclesial solution to squirrel infestations


Received from A. M. on MeWe:

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.

The Catholic solution seems in order.  We used to refer to the “hatch, match and dispatch” crowd – those who were seen in church only for baptisms, weddings and funerals.



  1. That would only be the Conservative synagogue.
    It really wouldn't matter to the Reform synagogue one way or the other and to the Orthodox the squirrel would first have to prove his mother was Jewish before they'd even consider letting him anywhere near.

  2. A close friend's father is an Episcopal priest. Father Tom always said "Wherever 4 Episcopalians gather there will be a fifth." He was right. Those people could put away some booze.

  3. When I was a teenager The pastor of my church was a joker. Hilarious guy from South Boston, the youngest of 17 kids. The altar boys would always laugh at Easter Sunday when he'd close the recessional with a 'God Bless everyone, see you at Christmas."

  4. Well I'm not sure where the bunch I was raised with would fit in. Every last one of them would have got their favorite trap, shotgun, or .22 out and we would have had a fried squirrel pot-luck dinner after church on Sunday. Oh, and a work party would have been formed to fix the holes that let the squirrels in before eating.

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