Standard Disclaimer – extended edition


Found on MeWe, courtesy of user James Resoldier (I can’t provide a direct link to his post, as MeWe doesn’t offer that facility).

Standard Disclaimer:

This product is meant for educational purposes only.

Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental.

We have sent the forms which seem right for you.

List at least two alternate dates.

Batteries not included.

Record additional transactions on back of previous stub.

Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear.

Shading within a garment may occur.

Employees and their families are not eligible.

You must be present to win.

Do not write below this line.

No shoes, no shirt, no service.

An equal opportunity employer.

The best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a condom.

Reproduction strictly prohibited.

Subject to CAB approval.

No anchovies unless otherwise specified.

Not responsible for typographical errors.

Driver does not carry cash.

Post office will not deliver without postage.

Text may contain material some readers may find objectionable, Parental guidance is advised.

Prerecorded for this time zone.

Times approximate.

This is not an offer to sell securities.

Program is provided “as is” without any warranties expressed or implied.

No returns unless defective.

Restaurant package, not for resale.

If ingested, do not induce vomiting, if symptoms persist, consult a chemist.

Under penalty of law, this tag not to be removed except by consumer.

One size fits all.

No user-serviceable parts inside.

This can contains a head-enhancing device; do not shake vigorously.

No Cholesterol.

Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only.

Allow four to six weeks for delivery.

All rights reserved Program offer valid only at participating E-mail sites.

Use only as directed.

Package sold by weight, not volume.

Beware of dog.

Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery.

Sign here without admitting guilt.

Safety goggles may be required during use.

Keep away from OJ.

See label for sequence.

For off-road use only.

Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform.

Instructions are included.

Freshest if eaten before date on carton.

Low in Fat.

Quantities are limited while supplies last.

Offer valid only at participating sites.

Some equipment shown is optional.

No animals were mistreated or abused in posting this document to the network.

Not the Beatles.

Drop in any mailbox.

No other warranty expressed or implied.

Terms are subject to change without notice.

Not affiliated with the American Red Cross.

Be sure each item is properly endorsed.

Avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place.

Do not put the base of this ladder on frozen manure.

No transfers issued until the bus comes to a complete stop.

High Fiber.

Sanitized for your protection.

Parental advisory — explicit lyrics.

Articles are ribbed for your pleasure.

Lost ticket pays maximum rate.

Slightly higher west of the Mississippi.

Do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle.

Subject to change without notice.

Keep away from open flames and avoid inhaling fumes.

Do not remove this disclaimer under penalty of law.

Warranty void if serviced by non-authorized personnel.

Parental discression advised, text may contain explicit materials some readers may find objectionable.

Hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat.

Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward.

Call before you dig.

Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement.

Ceci n’est pas une pipe.

Article is provided “as is” without any warranties.

As seen on TV.

Postage will be paid by addressee.

Possible penalties for early withdrawal.

No preservatives added.

Void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted.

Check here if tax deductible.

No alcohol, dogs or horses.

Text used in these pages is made from 100% recycled electrons and magnetic particles.

If a rash, redness, irritation, or swelling develops, discontinue use.

User assumes full liabilities.

Not liable for damages due to use or misuse.

You need not be present to win.

Keep away from sunlight, pets, and small children.

No purchase necessary.

Illustrations are slightly enlarged to show detail.

Other copyright laws for specific files apply wherever noted.

Use only with proper ventilation.

Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton.

Keep away from fire or flames.

For external use only.

Slippery when wet.

Avoid contact with skin.

Do not fold, spindle or mutilate.

Your cancelled check is your receipt.

Slightly higher west of the Rockies.

Replace with same type.

No money down.

Use only in a well-ventilated area.

Add toner.

Call toll free number before digging.

Some assembly required.

Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment.

Substantial penalty for early withdrawal.

Do not disturb.

Place stamp here.

List each check separately by bank number.

For recreational use only.

Falling rock.

Price does not include taxes.

First pull up, then pull down.

Must be 18 to enter.

Kilroy was here.

Keep cool; process promptly.

This offer is void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted.

Files are subject to change without notice.

If defects are discovered, do not attempt to fix them yourself, but return to an authorized service center.

Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients.

Do not stamp.

Don’t even think about parking here.

No Canadian coins.

No postage necessary if mailed in the United States.

Do not place near flammable or magnetic source.

May be hazardous to health if consumed in excessive quantities.

Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show.

No animals were used to test the content of these pages.

Due to the nature of the game of squash, this racket is not guaranteed.

Your mileage may vary.

Other restrictions may apply.

Smoking these pages may be hazardous to your health.

Edited for television.

Contents may settle during shipment.

Avoid contact with eyes and skin and avoid inhaling fumes.

Don’t try this in your living room; these are trained professionals.

Do not puncture, incinerate, or store above 120 degrees Fahrenheit.

Penalty for private use.

List was current at time of printing.

Unix is a registered trademark of AT&T.

All models over 18 years of age.

No substitutions allowed.

No salt, MSG, artificial color or flavor added.

Colors may, in time, fade.

For office use only.

Not recommended for children.

Simulated picture.

Action figures sold separately.

If condition persists, consult your physician.

At participating locations only.

Files are slightly enlarged to show detail.

Many suitcases look alike.

No solicitors.

Please remain seated until the ride has come to a complete stop.

Limit one-per-family please.

Approved for veterans.

Apply only to affected area.

No passes accepted for this engagement.

Read at your own risk.

Sealed for your protection, do not use if the safety seal is broken.

Pages are ribbed for your pleasure.

Use other side for additional listings.

May be too intense for some viewers.

Out to lunch.

Caveat emptor.

Dolphin Safe.

For a limited time only.

Booths for two or more.

Avoid contact with mucous membranes.

Program distribution is copyrighted to the extent that you may distribute the program and all its associated parts freely but you may not make a profit from it or include the program in commercial publications without written permission from Major League baseball.

Disclaimer does not cover hurricane, lightning, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, flood, and other Acts of God, war, misuse, neglect, unauthorized repair, damage from improper installation, broken antenna or marred cabinet, incorrect line voltage, missing or altered serial numbers, sonic boom vibrations, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, customer adjustments that are not covered in the file list, and incidents owing to airplane crash, ship sinking, motor vehicle accidents, leaky roof, broken glass, falling rocks, mud slides, forest fire, unwanted children, flying projectiles, or dropping the item.

These pages do not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends, or my cat; don’t quote me on that; don’t quote me on anything.

This supersedes all previous notices unless indicated otherwise.

Uh . . . yeah, I think that covers most of it!



  1. "The Secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions."

    Back in the USENET days, when I had access via my employer, I added a disclaimer to my .sig: "The author is insane. Any opinions are those of Great Cthulhu." After a while, the IT guy suggested that this was not a proper way to distance the company from stuff I was saying on the 'Net.

    Meanwhile… I gotta copy this list. Been meaning to create a random-disclaimer dingus for my sidebar, and my list was much shorter than this'n.

  2. Oh, and: "For prevention of disease only." I thought, earlier this year, that this should be printed on masks, for use in jurisdictions where the wearing of masks in public is generally prohibited.

  3. Peter, this cracked me up – I am stealing it to use.
    You might like the disclaimer I've used on my pages for years:
    Warranties implied or expressed are a figment of your imagination.
    Please keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times. Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information booklet. Passports and pants optional.
    This is a mandatory smoking trip. If you do not have a cigar, please let your hostess know, and she will provide you with one. 3 drink minimum, restrooms are for customers only, lingerie is optional.
    Please stow your luggage and small children in the compartments under your seats; please give any oversize baggage or children to your hostess, and she will be more than happy to check them for you.
    Do not use orally after using rectally. Passengers with life-threatening medical conditions should be advised that in the event you have an episode or emergency related to your condition, none of the crew have received medical training, and you’re on your own. If you have any pills with you, please pass them up to the front, so the driver can sample them before departure. Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you.
    Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.
    We recommend discontinuing use if the quality seal has been broken. There is no use in upsetting the Status Quo.
    Do not taunt proprietor with Makita, DeWalt or Milwaukee products. Shelves non-weight-bearing, for decoration only. Lefty loosy, righty tighty. All tips will be sent for disposal by a local mohel. Contains: Milk, Wheat, Peanuts. May contain: Talisker and Cashews.
    Caution: This is not a safety protective device. Use with extreme caution. Or not. It's your decision. Do not eat toner. Brain bleach is available for a small nominal fee. Shipping and handling extra.
    All sales are final. So go ahead and dispose of that sales receipt.
    Not responsible for undercooked products. Beaver is not on the menu. Use the shelving at your own risk. Combine all ingredients and place in a 350 degree oven until 10 PM. It doesn't matter how long it's in, the whole thing is going to come out half-baked anyway. If thinking along the same lines as me persists for more than four hours, call your physician.
    Jeffrey Epstein didn’t kill himself.
    Oh, and by the way, I know absolutely nothing that will lead to the conviction of Hillary.

  4. After discovering Mrs. Bitchy McBitchy Bitchface was intercepting her hubby's emails, I added the following warning to all my email accounts.

    The content of this email shall be considered confidential and intended for the recipient(s) specified in the message only. It is strictly forbidden to share any part of this message with any third party, without a written consent of the sender. Unauthorized access of this email message by individuals that are not listed as a recipient will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. If you received this message by mistake, please reply to this message and follow with its deletion, so that we can ensure such a mistake does not occur in the future.

    I found out by her own stupidity. Right after I sent the email, she texted me asking if I needed her husband for something. Coincidence? Me thinks not.

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